'Tis Life.

Tranquility is what I need.

Lately I have been having this constant inner monologue about what I should be doing with my life. Seriously, it is incessant. Here is a small sample of what goes through my head every second of every day:

• Should I get another part-time job?
• How many schools should I set up interviews with in Vietnam?
• Will they even want to interview me?
• Do I really want to move away?
• How should I consolidate my loans?
• Should I declare bankruptcy?
• Will potential employers do a credit check before hiring me?
• Should I get on the sub list or keep my steady tutoring job? Which will look better to potential employers?
• Do I even want to teach?
• Would an ELL or reading endorsement be better?
• Can I really afford more loans?

I think you get the idea.

Here is what I know for sure........I need to make money, and I want to work with kids. Along with all of the stress that comes with these thoughts is the real (and perceived) pressure that I am feeling from everyone else in my life. I made such a big deal about going back to school to become a teacher, and I'm right back where I began. Except now I have waaaaaay more debt. I also feel like everyone is watching and waiting for me to make my next move. I feel like Ms. Swan is following me around saying, "And then? And then? And then?" No and then!!!

Of course, it is really coming more from myself than anyone else, but it is pressure that I feel all the same.

I worry that I will make the wrong decision for myself. I worry that I will do something to impress other people or to prove that I'm committed to teaching no matter what. I worry that I will not be ambitious enough and stagnate.

I'm afraid that if I don't move to Vietnam and do something extraordinary with my life that others will be disappointed. I am looked at by my friends as the independent and adventurous one; I'm the one who is supposed to do something different and exciting. Part of me really wants to live that life because a large part of me IS that person. I'm afraid that if I stay here (whether I find a teaching job or not) I will be thought of as boring and safe. If I don't push myself into an adventure will I still grow?

The thing is that I want both lives. I want to live in another country, have new experiences, and be forced out of my comfort zone. I also want to settle in here and focus on the amazing relationships that I have been fostering for most of my life. Neither one is a BETTER choice.

I don't even know if these are my only two options. All I know is that I have a deadline looming ahead, and I have no idea what I want to do with myself.

More Autumn Goodness!

I hope that everyone is enjoying this season as much as I am!

Worth the wait.

I believe that specific books come to us when we really need them.

I finally picked this one off the shelf. I can't wait to see what I learn.

Ishmael thought for a moment. "Among the people of your culture, which want to destroy the world?"

"Which WANT to destroy it? As far as I know, no one specifically WANTS to destroy the world."

"And yet you do destroy it, each of you. Each of you contributes daily to the destruction of the world."

"Yes, that's so."

"Why don't you stop?"

I shrugged. "Frankly, we don't know how."

"You're captives of a civilization system that more or less compels you to go on destroying the world in order to live."

"Yes, that's the way it seems."

"So. You are captives--and you have made a captive of the world itself. That's what's at stake, isn't it?--your captivity and the captivity of the world. (Quinn 25)

Autumn Adventures

Under the cozy canopy of an apple tree.

After a less than stellar summer season, I have decided to throw myself into all that is autumn. I started off the season right with a semi-spontaneous trip out to Hood River with one of my favorite people to do some apple picking and adventure seeking. It was a very successful outing indeed! One bucket of apples and a bounty of hot guys later we were hooked! I suspect there will be several more posts relating to what is sure to be an amazing autumn. Soak it up people!

The search continues.

Pikachu Shoes! This is why I love teenagers.......I mean seriously?

On one of my last days of the school year (which seems soooo long ago now) one of my students asked me if I had ever had the feeling where everything feels out of place. Like waking up from a nap in the middle of a summer day when you didn't remember falling asleep. The light has already changed making everything seem different than you last left it. You can smell dinner cooking, but it seems like you just had lunch. You look down at your phone to see a bunch of missed calls. He explained this type of disorientation which I have totally experienced, and he told me that it is how he feels everyday.

I totally knew where he was coming from. I totally remember how confusing life was in that transitional time; it's why I chose to teach high school even though all of my experience was with littles. While I have a better handle on who I am than I did as a teenager, in this new adult transitional time coming out of grad school and looking for a job I feel a little bit like that kid. Everyday without a job or a serious job prospect I feel like I'm waking up out of sorts with no real direction.

I'm trying to stay positive. I know that it is a long hiring season and that I shouldn't panic until late August, but I am........panicking.

And tomorrow I graduate!

Heaven.

A week before I started graduate school I was laying pool side at this hotel, and I thought about everything that was about to change in my life. I had no idea. This has been the most challenging year ever. I questioned myself and my abilities everyday. I was evaluated and criticized. I stressed my mind and my body. I lost touch with people I love and things that I love to do. But, I saw how hard I could push myself; I learned what I was capable of. I made new connections with amazing people who have taught me so much. I learned how to live a little simpler. Most importantly I learned that despite the lack of jobs and the imminent move, I am a teacher.

Isn't it about time.......

I cannot wait until it is cherry tomato season! These were hand picked by one of my very favorite littles:)

......for a little bit of summer?!?! I am not really one to complain about the weather. Really, I'm not. Whining does not change the fact that it is raining......constantly. I try really hard to stay in the moment and appreciate what IS. And right now, what I have is rain. Lots and lots of rain. As we wrap up the school year I actually appreciate the rain because from what I have heard the students start to get a little squirrelly when the weather turns nice. I appreciate the rain for that. I do. But as I finish up my last worksample and look forward to wrapping up one of the most challenging experiences of my life, I can' t help but want a little sun to revel in. I want to lounge at Laurelhurst Park, read bell hooks, and sip on wine. My body craves a day warmed by the sun above and the sand below. My soul needs brilliant blue skies and hot pavement under the tires of my trusty Subaru as I head out on some random day trip adventure fueled by a perfectly picked playlist. I need the summer, and I need it now! Please?:)