'Tis Life.

Tranquility is what I need.

Lately I have been having this constant inner monologue about what I should be doing with my life. Seriously, it is incessant. Here is a small sample of what goes through my head every second of every day:

• Should I get another part-time job?
• How many schools should I set up interviews with in Vietnam?
• Will they even want to interview me?
• Do I really want to move away?
• How should I consolidate my loans?
• Should I declare bankruptcy?
• Will potential employers do a credit check before hiring me?
• Should I get on the sub list or keep my steady tutoring job? Which will look better to potential employers?
• Do I even want to teach?
• Would an ELL or reading endorsement be better?
• Can I really afford more loans?

I think you get the idea.

Here is what I know for sure........I need to make money, and I want to work with kids. Along with all of the stress that comes with these thoughts is the real (and perceived) pressure that I am feeling from everyone else in my life. I made such a big deal about going back to school to become a teacher, and I'm right back where I began. Except now I have waaaaaay more debt. I also feel like everyone is watching and waiting for me to make my next move. I feel like Ms. Swan is following me around saying, "And then? And then? And then?" No and then!!!

Of course, it is really coming more from myself than anyone else, but it is pressure that I feel all the same.

I worry that I will make the wrong decision for myself. I worry that I will do something to impress other people or to prove that I'm committed to teaching no matter what. I worry that I will not be ambitious enough and stagnate.

I'm afraid that if I don't move to Vietnam and do something extraordinary with my life that others will be disappointed. I am looked at by my friends as the independent and adventurous one; I'm the one who is supposed to do something different and exciting. Part of me really wants to live that life because a large part of me IS that person. I'm afraid that if I stay here (whether I find a teaching job or not) I will be thought of as boring and safe. If I don't push myself into an adventure will I still grow?

The thing is that I want both lives. I want to live in another country, have new experiences, and be forced out of my comfort zone. I also want to settle in here and focus on the amazing relationships that I have been fostering for most of my life. Neither one is a BETTER choice.

I don't even know if these are my only two options. All I know is that I have a deadline looming ahead, and I have no idea what I want to do with myself.